Vision implies that you see where you are going or what direction you want to go in. I haven’t had that kind of vision for myself since realizing as a freshman in college I made a terrible mistake in my choice of major.
While my friends around me were making a path for their life, I chose Communication as my degree because I had no idea what I actually wanted to do with my own life and knew I could at least apply “how to communicate” to everything.
My only dreams were hoping I would eventually get married and have kids. Really, truly. The longest ‘career’ goal I have had for myself is a soccer mom.
Well, my dreams came true (praise the Lord) and being a wife and mom was all I wanted to put my focus, time and energy into.
But I still struggled with feeling like it wasn’t enough.
I’ve had serious inner conflict seeing my peers and friends (even my husband) with huge ideas and incredible ambition to go out and get whatever it is they want in life. It never inspired me, just made me feel completely inept and lost like I was missing something. Like I should be running towards something, but I never knew what that was. I didn’t want a career, but I believed the lie that I wasn’t contributing anything to this world by not being a part of the marketplace.
And the more I tried to be the perfect wife/mom/human to make up for it, the more I felt like a total failure.
I’m not saying I don’t have drive or ambition, but now I see it in a completely different way than someone who has started their own company or worked their way up in their career. The ideas that I bring to fruition are home organizing projects, the creation of Halloween costumes or crafting a cardboard house for my kids (etc.).
We don’t live near family and we don’t hire help, so I literally am the CEO/COO/President/Manager/Secretary/Janitor and essentially Lady Boss of our household: putting out fires, micro managing details, strategizing the day/weeks ahead, creating efficiencies to avoid meltdowns (including myself), adapting everything in new seasons and just trying to keep it all together when I am never, ever alone.
And while I was watching my husband struggle with not letting the marketplace give him his value and recognizing that no matter what he does (or how many hours of work he puts in) it will never be enough in the world's eyes, I was having those same struggles in motherhood and with my home/personal life. I honestly didn’t even connect those dots until writing this...woof.
My value was resting on how well my kids were developing, sleeping or behaving. My value came from how clean my house was and how put together I could be in front of others. Feeling loved rested solely on my husbands shoulders and he is human, so I never felt full. I worked hard to keep everything in perfect order and no matter what, it wasn’t enough — I wasn’t enough.
It is a hard wall to crash into when you finally fall at the feet of Jesus with nothing left in your tank, but there we were.
While we are in totally different playing fields, my husband and I struggle in similar ways. It’s definitely been baby steps and we don’t get it right everyday, but we have been walking through finding our value in HIM ALONE. Seeking Him first because everything else will leave us feeling empty and un-loved. Living an intentional life with our boys and with each other, focusing on what really matters and letting that affect our choices for each day. And the blessing of that is that we get to do it together.
“But SEEK FIRST the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33 ESV
Life can be such a blur if we let it slip and time is SO valuable. Therefore, my mission for myself and our family now is to be present and work hard at creating memories, instilling character values and making sure my boys know without a doubt that they are loved.
While I have never seen a path lay out in front of me, deep down I guess I’ve known my vision and my mission is to love everyone around me the best way I know how. Whatever that looks like, in every season I’m in.
Because in the end, it was never about me.
“I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might.” Ephesians 1:16-19 ESV